Sparring Partners! Overcoming Sibling Rivalry

Do your kids love to hate each other? Kate Farr provides some tips on changing things up.

Jealousy, competition and fighting between brothers and sisters can star t right after the bir th of a second child, and it can continue throughout childhood. Parents dealing with sibling rivalry will find it slightly soothing to learn that it is a concern for almost everyone with two or more kids. But only slightly soothing. This statistic doesn’t actually ease the burden, or provide you with the tools to put an end to the seemingly constant squabbling. If you feel like you’re rearing sparring par tners, rather than lifelong allies, how do you change things up?

CELEBRATE INDIVIDUALITY

Opening the discussion, it’s important to recognise that there are a number of factors that may contribute to tension within the sibling relationship. Birth order, age gap, gender and a child’s individual characteristics can all play a part. For example, a particularly sensitive child may clash with a more assertive brother or sister. Parenting style is also a major factor. If a parent is seen to favour a sibling, giving him encouragement while tending to direct blame at another, this can create a sense of disconnect within the family, causing a child to misbehave in order to gain the parent’s attention. But how can busy parents best channel this desire for attention into positive behaviours? A good way to start is with one-to-one attention. Take some time to connect with each child individually. This should ideally happen daily, and can be something as simple as playing a quick game together, reading a book or taking a short walk. The aim is to help reinforce the bond between parent and child, enabling children to feel secure in their relationship, which translates into calmer behaviour. It’s also important to recognise that all children are different: recognise their uniqueness but avoid drawing comparisons or labelling. For example, you could say, “Ýou are really good at reading,” rather than, “You are the smart one in the family.” This acknowledges one child’s distinctive talents without any negative associations implied towards the other children. When it comes to elder siblings’ behaviour, we can often have overly high expectations. Don’t expect per fection from older children, and try not to force them to always be the ‘big boy or girl’. They may not wish to play with their little brother, or give their little sister a cuddle, and we should respect that. This also applies to children’s negative feelings. Acknowledging children’s feelings helps them process things. Saying, “I can see that you would like some quiet time away from your brother,” or “You seem disappointed that your sister has a play date today,” helps children to realise that their feelings are valid, and that it’s OK to vocalise them.

STEP IN AND MEDIATE

Of course, occasional tensions and conflicts are bound to arise within any close relationship. Should parents try to shield children from this? Yes, but only up to a point. It’s important to teach kids how to deal with conflict from a young age, reinforcing this throughout childhood. Conflict is necessary for personal development, establishing relationships and setting boundaries. It also enables kids to understand emotions such as annoyance, anger and rage – just as important as an understanding of joy and happiness.

All that being said, parents do need to ensure that fights between kids don’t become too violent with bullying of siblings, or the suppression of one child by another. It is important to understand where the line lies between innocent pushing and shoving, and the development of unhealthy relationships with one child forever the victim and the other always the abuser.

When it comes to specific methods for handling conflicts, there is a lot to be said for the positivediscipline approach which is focused on the idea that there are no bad children, just good and bad behaviours. The aim is to try to get siblings to hear each other, to develop their emotional intelligence skills, and to look for compromise and conflict resolution.

In taking this approach, your first tactic is to stay neutral. Even when it is clear who is right and who is wrong don’t simply side with the victim. All you will do is confirm the obvious and it is unlikely that you will resolve the problem. Importantly too, remain calm on the outside, even if you are angry inside. Breathe out and speak calmly. This is usually much more effective than shouting.

Physically remove your kids from each other but not necessarily to dif ferent rooms – just create distance and, again, stay neutral while doing so, even if a much younger sibling is involved. Take the younger child’s hand and say to him in front of his elder brother or sister: “We are going to sit down on the couch now and calm down.” Then ask the elder sibling to calm down and sit down also. Once kids are treated equally there is no victim or bully.

Your next task is to encourage your kids to seek an agreement rather than carry on fighting. Take on the role of mediator to avoid the ‘he-said-she-said’ arguments that can arise when unpicking everyday squabbles. Don’t take sides. Try to facilitate a mutually agreed solution to an issue by brainstorming possibilities. This can be as simple as sharing a toy by playing together, or even setting a timer to ensure both children get an equal turn.

Once the conflict has passed and you are sitting together, perhaps at dinner, talk about feelings. Tell your kids how sad it makes you feel when they are fighting with each other and how good it would be to find mutually acceptable ways of preventing conflict in the future. Express your readiness to listen to both sides, to stay neutral and to brainstorm possible solutions. You can even write a ‘conflict-resolution plan’ together and put it up on the wall. Then, the next time a situation threatens to develop, you can raise an eyebrow and point to the plan that they helped create.

LET THEM BATTLE IT OUT

Once children are confident in their own ability to handle conflict, you can allow them to experience the satisfaction that comes with working out differences positively. Wherever possible, use positive feedback, rather than negative reinforcement to get your message across, focusing on strengthening children’s negotiation and listening skills, as well as stressing the importance of compromise.

Parents need to reinforce this with some hard and fast ‘get-along rules,’ such as using kind words, being gentle and sharing, while also respecting each other’s belongings. This gives you a great opportunity to encourage positive behaviour when you see it, such as when your child shares his toy, or comforts his sibling.

Know that communication is key. Allow children to express their feelings and encourage them to ask for help without blaming others. For example: “My sister took my favourite book and it made me feel sad. Could you help me find another book please, Mum?”

Be creative and, after a while, you may find that your children no longer need your mediation quite so often. Which is surely the most reassuring and hopeful message of all for any parent of siblings.