Please Be You! Good Girl Jailbreak

Instead of teaching girls to be good, we need to teach them to self-affirm and stand up for themselves. We need to nurture their inner bad-ass. Joanne Hay reports

PHOTOS BY

Beatrix Malan -

www.atscollective.com

Lots of young girls are conditioned to be good – they are taught to always be polite and considerate of other people’s feelings, even if it compromises their own happiness. Without realising it, we are teaching them to peopleplease, to ignore their own needs just to keep everyone else happy. This type of conditioning can manifest in any number of negatives, such as fear of disappointing people, fear of speaking up for oneself, fear of conflict and lack of healthy boundaries. We need to create awareness around good girl conditioning, how it comes about, the dangers and implications. By highlighting this issue, we can explore more positive ways to parent young girls; ways that are focused on building their self-esteem and self-worth. The key message for our daughters is “Don’t be good. Be kind and firm”.

GOOD GIRL CONDITIONING

Good girl conditioning comes from good intentions – we want our daughters to be well-behaved, to care for others, to make others feel comfor table, to study hard, work hard and so on. But like everything else in life, it’s all about balance. When young girls only get loved for being good, they grow afraid of being judged, abandoned, disliked and unaccepted, so they put aside their own emotional needs to make other people happy. They will constantly feel they are not wor thy of love, that they are not good enough; they will then do their best to avoid confrontation as they don’t know their own true value. When people don’t know who they are, they become chameleons, who want to blend in with everyone around them.

Good girls thrive on being told they’re good

; they worry about how others see and judge them. They struggle to set healthy boundaries or show up as their authentic self because they need to be liked and accepted.

Good girls are socialised to please other people

; they think their wor thiness is defined by how likeable they are and who they can be to others. They constantly look externally to obtain the validation and praise that will make them feel secure and wor thy. They are always looking for the right answer to get that tick, that “gold star”, the good girl confirmation from people around them.

Good girls pretend to agree with everyone because they are afraid to be disliked.

They over-explain themselves because they feel guilty for saying “no” or disagreeing with others. They apologise all the time because they lack self-esteem.

Good girls suffer silently, they take on more than they can handle because they can’t say “no,”

and if they dare to speak up, they are afraid to be labelled as overly emotional, dramatic or sensitive. They tend to be very agreeable, avoiding conflict at all costs because they are afraid to rock the boat.

Good girls behave as they do because they think it is the only way to build strong emotional connections

. In fact, the opposite is true. People tend to mistake a good girl’s kindness as a sign of weakness, they cross boundaries and take advantage.

Good girls feel responsible for how other people feel

– they become very uncomfor table if someone is angry with them, which means they hide their own opinions. They feel their own needs, their own thoughts don’t matter. As a result, they have difficulty forming authentic relationships. They struggle to stand up for the things or people they truly believe in because they lack self-worth. When good girl conditioning is reinforced over and over again, girls disconnect from their own intuition and a pattern of existing to please and appeasekicks in. This makes them vulnerable to manipulation and abusive situations because rather than asser ting themselves or setting healthy boundaries, they continue to please others to gain a sense of approval and acceptance. Blindly following authority figures can lead to dangerous situations, especially for girls who may be vulnerable to abuse and exploitation. Good girl conditioning can lead to resentment, frustration, anxiety and depression. By constantly repressing their emotions and ignoring their own needs, good girls grow up feeling disrespected, ignored, alienated and burnt out. So how do we put a stop to good girl conditioning? It’s time to nur ture our daughters’ inner bad-ass.

NEW MESSAGES FOR OUR DAUGHTERS

Girls need to understand that it’s not their role to get approval from other people. Their role is to understand and connect to their emotions, tounderstand and clearly express their needs, to place boundaries or limits to keep themselves safe, and to fully express themselves. Here are some impor tant messages to share with your daughters:

Your self-worth cannot (and should not) be based on external factors.

What you think of yourself is far more important than what others think of you. You don’t need to be liked by everyone, and you can’t possibly be liked by everyone. Some people are authentic and some are here to take advantage of you. Your self-worth should be based on you, not someone else. Get to know yourself, who you are, what your core values and non-negotiables are, what truly matters to you.

Be your authentic self – accept and love yourself for who you are

; you are only human, no one is per fect, you have your flaws and that’s fine. Accepting yourself and prioritising your wellbeing and inner peace over everyone and everything are what should matter to you most. Stay true to yourself, don’t succumb to peer pressure; don’t feel you always have to be liked and included.

Focus on your own personal journey rather than an outcome

(i.e. good grades) that will win others’ approval. Don’t chase the “good girl, well done” affirmation, chase learning and growth.

Attract authentic people into your life

, people who respect your autonomy, your boundaries, and who celebrate who you really are. Surround yourself with a caring support system, friends who will hype you up, talk you up and stay loyal to you in your presence and absence.

Set healthy boundaries

– say “no” when you don’t have the emotional capacity to hold space for someone, say “no” if you don’t want to drink one more drink.

Speak up if somebody disrespects you, don’t ignore it

. If somebody is being rude, point it out to them. If somebody tries to change you, tell them you’re happy with who you are. Have the courage to disappoint people. And don’t be afraid to ask for what you want and deserve. Know that standing your ground and respecting others are not mutually exclusive. Looking out for yourself doesn’t make you a selfish person. It’s hard to say “no” to someone you care about; it’s hard to show up as your authentic self. Choose your “hard”.

Learn to love yourself!

By accepting yourself for who you are, knowing your self-wor th and truly listening to your inner voice, you will come into your true power. Don’t be good. Be kind and firm. Fifteen-year DB resident and mother of two Joanne Hay is the Director of Leadership Development at premium workspace provider, The Executive Centre Hong Kong. She is a Professional Certified Coach (PCC), accredited by the International Coach Federation; a corporate trainer and the author of two books,

Please Be You

and

I Am Me

, aimed at fostering self-love and resilience in children. You can follow her on Instagram

@beyoubook

.