One-On-One: Conversation Starters!

There’s a knack to talking to kids in a way that gets them interested and talking back: you need to use the right words, make it fun and, above all, get your timing right

Not all grown-ups are fun to talk to because not all grown-ups know how to talk to kids. Knowing how to engage children in order to get a conversation going is an invaluable parenting skill and, for most of us, it’s something we have to learn. Getting the approach and the vocabulary right takes a bit of effort at first but there are some simple steps to follow. Let’s take a look.

THE RIGHT QUESTIONS TO ASK

Firstly, be specific. Questions like “how are you?” and “what have you been up to?” are fine to use with other adults, where they function as icebreakers but they mean very little to children. This is because these questions are too large; there are too many possible responses. Very wide questions are going to be met with a bored eyeroll or a monosyllabic rebuff at best. So instead of asking a big question like “how was your playdate with Jane?” ask “what was the funniest thing Jane said on your playdate?” or “what games did you and Jane play”.

Secondly, really listen: don’t take what your child says at face value, enter their world and look for unexpected connections. If the answer doesn’t make sense on the surface, be inquisitive and keep digging. When you unearth the connection, it will usually be surprisingly logical. For example, you might ask your child: “If snow could have a flavour, what would you choose?” Their answer: “Broccoli.” Mystified by this response? Then ask for clarification: “Why’s that?” Their answer: “If snow tasted good everyone would eat it and there’d be none left to play in.”

It’s also important to talk about emotions. When your child gets home from school or back from a playdate, notice whether they are pent-up and withdrawn, or all smiles and giggly. Try to “name” their emotion when you see it. For example, you could say: “You look so happy! Something fun must have happened today. What was it?” See whether this helps your child open up.

Consider too the way you phrase your questions. Avoid starting questions with “did,” which will elicit a “yes” or “no” answer, or “why,” which can get an “I don’t know”. “What” is a much better opener. For example: “What made you laugh today?” “What was your favourite thing that happened today?” “What did you enjoy most about playtime?” “What did Mrs Pearse explain in maths class today?”

Always be prepared to ask follow-up and clarifying questions. Options make things easier too: “Do you prefer pink spotted monsters or blue wiggly monsters? How come?” or “If you had to choose between having water or electricity, which would you choose? How come?”

KEEPING IT REAL

Teaching your child how to converse begins with you, so model what it sounds like to talk about your day, and encourage them to ask you questions. You could say: “When I was at work today, it was really funny, someone brought in a cake and it was my favourite flavour. Can you guess what kind of cake it was?” Talk about something real, something that made you laugh or surprised you, someone you spoke to, what you had for lunch, what happened on the ferry home. Sharing your day makes it more likely that your child will want to share about their day.

When asking your child questions, it’s important to come from an informed place. Anyone can ask “how was school?” and they will likely get that bored eyeroll in response. If you want your child to share real stuff with you, you need to know what is actually going on with them. Relevant questions will elicit a real response. Ask: “You had swimming today: did Mrs Lee help you with your crawl?” or “Are you and James besties again? How did you make up?”

Children like to talk on a level, like friends. Talking is easier for them if they are laughing and having fun. Children prefer funny chats with adults because firstly, they know they aren’t in trouble and secondly, serious chats are harder than funny ones. So be zany and inventive. Think Edward Lear; think Spike Milligan. Throw in a made-up word now and then. Ask wacky, age-appropriate questions: “What would you do if you had four arms?” “If you were a tiny mouse, would you be like Stuart Little or Desperaux?” “Would you rather live in a box with a litter of cats or live in a tree stump with a badger?”

And a word about swearing: having a zero-tolerance policy is pretty outdated. You need to teach children the difference between swearing at someone and swearing to release joy or frustration, and you need to teach them about the consequences of swearing somewhere inappropriate, like school. But that’s about it. To think that kids will hear swear words and automatically be upset or start mindlessly spouting profanities is rubbish. It’s OK to swear around your kids, and you need to chill out when other people swear around them. This is real life, not a Jane Austen novel.

TIMING IS EVERYTHING

Children can only be expected to hold a meaningful conversation when they are calm and their basic needs have been met, so get your timing right. For instance, asking a child a bunch of questions as soon as they get home from school might seem natural to you, but it can be the worst time for them. Most adults want to switch off after work and let go of their day – children are the same. They will have been asked questions all day and might still be in a “performance” mindset; their mind needs a break and they need a chance to eat, play and rest. Be patient and wait until your child is ready to talk.

Make conversation a habit, at a time that suits your child. Bedtime can be a good time to talk, when they are relaxed and winding down before going to sleep. This is when they will enjoy opening up, especially if you’re lying next to them… avoid doing that face-to-face thing that can feel confrontational.

With young children, engaging in an activity can be a smart way to start a conversation. Take out some plasticine, or a colouring book or a puzzle, and then say: “Remind me… you were saying the other day that being in Year 2 is really different. How come?” Talking in this way feels less like an interview, and more like fun.

If your child is in their early teens, you need to take other factors into account. You’ve got to remember that their peer group is really, really important to them, and that they may prefer to share their thoughts with friends. Again, timing is all important: be open to speaking on their schedule and asking about something that’s concerning you more than once. Whenever possible keep the conversation light. Remember not all grown-ups are fun to talk to but you are.