Stand In Your Worth: The Quiet Power Of Boundaries!

From playground disputes to everyday choices, the small ‘no’s’ we teach our children build the foundation of self-respect, confidence and empathy. Joanne Li reports

PHOTOGRAPHY BY Andrew Spires

Your four-year-old is at the playground. Another child runs up, grabs her yellow sunglasses and laughs as she reaches for them. Your daughter looks at you with big, confused eyes, tears welling up. In that single moment lies a choice – do you rush in and fix the situation for her, or do you kneel down, hold her hand, and help her find the words: “Please give my yellow sunglasses back. They’re mine.”

That small sentence, spoken aloud, is not just about a pair of sunglasses. It is the first brick in a fortress of self-worth that will protect your child for the rest of her life. Sounds crazy, right? Read on...

Healthy boundaries are the gentle rules we teach children (and adults) so that they can keep themselves emotionally and physically safe. Boundaries are not walls; they are bridges to help people connect in healthy and respectful ways. Picture these boundaries as glittery lines that indicate: here is my space and here is yours. When a child learns to draw these glittery lines early in life, something magical happens – they grow up knowing they are allowed to take up space, to feel what they feel, to disagree even when all their friends agree, and to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ from a place of self-w or th instead of fear.

Setting boundaries is a form of self-love. Every time a child says: “I don’t want a hug right now” and instead of telling them to stop being dif ficult, to give Uncle Jimmy a hug, we answer: “Ok sweetie,” we are telling them – your body belongs to you, your feelings are real and valid and you are wor thy of being heard and respected.

Every time a child says: “I need a little bit of space” or “I need quiet time” and we honour that, we are watering the deepest root of confidence.

Many parents worry that when their child says ‘no’, it makes them rude, difficult or selfish. This is far from the truth! Children who feel safe in their own skin become the most empathetic humans on earth.

When a child knows how it feels to have their voice respected, they naturally learn to respect someone else’s ‘no’. They notice when a friend looks uncomfortable; they stop tickling or teasing when asked; they share toys because they want to, not because they are afraid to lose a friendship, to lose love, if they don’t.

Imagine living in a world where you are in a playground and when your child bravely says: “Please give my yellow sunglasses back. They’re mine”, the other child actually respects this and gives them back. In actuality, this scenario doesn’t often happen but the truth is, it needs to start with us. As parents, we have a responsibility to demonstrate healthy boundaries so our children can learn from our example.

Boundaries and empathy stem from the understanding that every person has their own space and their own opinion, and we need to respect it even if we disagree.

Why is this so important? Well think of it this way, a child who is always forced to hug Uncle Jimmy learns that their body is not fully theirs. Later, when a classmate touches them in a way that feels wrong or a teenager pressures them to do something they don’t want to do, the old lesson shows up – my ‘no’ doesn’t matter.

Alternatively, a child who has been encouraged to set small, healthy boundaries since they were very young, hears a different voice – my opinion matters, I am allowed to choose and I am worthy no matter what. This will be the lesson that shows up when later in life, that classmate touches them in a way that feels wrong or that teenager pressures them to do something they don’t want to do. They will stand their ground and draw that glittery line without feeling guilty about upsetting someone or scared of being disliked.

So now it doesn’t sound so crazy, right? We must help our children set healthy boundaries when they are young. At three, let them decide if they want to share their toys in the playground. At four, teach them to say: “No more hugs today, thank you”. At five, help them tell a friend: “Stop calling me stupid, it is not nice and I will not play with you if you keep doing it.”

As a mother, life-skills coach and author, this is what I tell people – make sure when you say ‘yes’ to others, you are not saying ‘no’ to yourself.

Setting boundaries can bring discomfor t and that’s okay. Why? Because even though most people mean well, saying no is sometimes necessary. We need to teach our children to distinguish between the discomfort of doing the right thing and the discomfort of not being liked. Uncle Jimmy will be sad when he doesn’t get his hug, the other child in the playground will probably cry if you don’t share your toys and guess what, that’s okay!

As parents, we might feel the urge to smooth things over – let’s just give that hug, let’s just share that toy one last time. But we need to pause and reflect, am I doing this in service of myself or am I doing this in service of my child? Am I trying to be the ‘good’ parent who doesn’t upset other people or am I teaching my child that their needs don’t matter?

Remember, you are not responsible for other people’s happiness – no one is. Having said that, when a situation arises, you can gently explain that you are teaching your child about boundaries – teaching them that their body and feelings belong to them. Over time, the people who truly love your child will celebrate their growing sense of self-worth instead of being angered or discomforted by it.

As children get older, boundaries help them walk away from gossip that feels unkind, leave a party when everyone else is still drinking, and end relationships that make them feel small.

The little ‘no’ you taught your three-year-old becomes the quiet courage that keeps them safe at thirteen, twenty-three and beyond. Children with healthy boundaries become parents who raise a generation that understands: love does not demand self-betrayal; love makes room.

So tonight, when you watch your child brush their teeth, sing off-key and talk a lovely lot of nonsense, make a promise to both of you that you will help them guard the magic inside them, one glittery line at a time.

Let your child learn this – you are allowed to be fully, beautifully and unapologetically you! That is the quiet power of boundaries. And that is the loudest way we can teach our children to please, be you.