We don’t set boundaries to make children happy in the moment; we set boundaries to prioritise our children’s wellbeing and prepare them to launch successfully into the world. Find out how it’s done
We don’t set boundaries to make children happy in the moment; we set boundaries to prioritise our children’s wellbeing and prepare them to launch successfully into the world. Find out how it’s done
Boundaries are actions we take to keep our kids safe and healthy. They are part of the parenting job description because it’s our responsibility to make decisions that are good for our child’s wellbeing, both in the short and long term. Setting these boundaries can be a tricky part of parenting but it’s something we need to prioritise. Our children may think that 10 tablespoons of Nutella amount to a nutritious dinner but we are the adults and we have more information. Likewise, our children may not agree that meeting BruisedKnuckles4, with whom they recently connected online, is a risky idea… but as adults, we need to hold the line in the interests of safety.
Depending on parenting style, some of us find the important work of establishing and maintaining limits easier to attend to than others. The challenge can be figuring out just how to go about setting boundaries that are firm, fair and effective. So let’s take a closer look at what boundaries for young children are all about, and how we can best use them for the intended purpose of keeping kids safe.
HOW TO STRUCTURE A BOUNDARY
Firstly, the tone of our delivery is important when we’re discussing boundaries with our kids: clear, calm and decisive is the goal. Secondly, the way we structure a boundary – the language we use to define action and responsibility – can make a big difference to our parenting interactions.
Here’s what you need to know: boundaries are not what we tell kids not to do; boundaries are what we tell kids we will do. Boundaries embody our authority as a parent and don’t require our child to do anything. We are not asking the child to be happy about, agree with or comply with the boundary. We are simply telling the child what we will do. That’s it.
Another thing: be sure to supply a why – a simple reason as to why you are setting and/ or maintaining a boundary – this really helps with buy-in. (“Because I said so” won’t suffice.). This isn’t about inviting the child into a debate over our reasons or having to justify our rule. Rather, it’s based on an appreciation that simple explanations help kids learn. Rules without reasons lead to rebellion.
See if you can hear the difference between the following statements: “Hey! Turn the iPad off! You know the rules – you’re not allowed on the iPad before 4pm!” (Exasperated tone on the verge of pleading or exploding, the parent is annoyed with the child for being disobedient, and doesn’t know how to proceed.) Versus… “It’s not your iPad time right now. We know screen time is quite addictive so, in our family, we don’t turn the iPad on whenever we feel like it. I am going to put it away until it’s your screen time.” (Calm, decisive tone, the parent is feeling in charge.)
In the initial response, the parent was telling the child what to do rather than explaining what they, the parent, were going to do. The likely result? A conflict/ power struggle in which the parent can feel helpless – dependent on the child agreeing to comply. In the second approach, however, the focus is on what the parent is going to do. It isn’t a command – the parent is simply stating what’s going to happen. This is more empowering for the parent and communicates more clearly to the child where the line is.
By setting boundaries correctly, we reduce the likelihood of power struggles, arguments and back talk. It doesn’t mean children won’t try to get their way. But once you establish that there are rules, and consequences for not following those rules, there will gradually be less and less pushback as kids learn to modify their behaviour to what’s expected of them. Your mission is to teach children how to test their limits respectfully, without being angry or defiant, and to know that ultimately, you, the parent, is in charge.
THE BENEFITS OF BOUNDARIES
Most importantly, parental boundaries allow kids to feel safe. Secure boundaries set by the parent (not negotiated by the child) reduce anxiety. Rules and routines like meal times, bed times, homework time, chores and screen time – that are set and monitored by the parent – create predictability in a child’s life. Predictability reduces uncertainty, and that reduces anxiety.
Setting boundaries doesn’t make you a mean or unfair parent, even if your child thinks that way in the heat of the moment. While it’s extremely important for children’s emotions to be heard and validated, you, as the parent, still need to be in charge to create a secure and stable environment for your kids. If children feel they have more power than the adult, if they feel able to dominate the people who are supposed to be in charge, they become anxious and insecure. The bottom line: in a power struggle with your child, you have to be the clear winner.
Importantly too, parental limits disrupt narcissism and entitlement. Early-development narcissism is normal and appropriate in small children, but unless it is eventually disrupted, children grow up believing the world revolves around them. By setting boundaries, we are allowing our children to understand that they can’t always get their own way; we are teaching patience and maturity. Ultimately, kids who understand the meaning of “limits” grow up grounded – sensible, realistic and well-equipped to function in the world outside the home.
Lack of boundaries skews kids’ sense of themselves: it encourages them to believe that the people around them exist simply to meet their needs. Children without boundaries will get a rude awakening when they don’t always get what they want later in life, and they will have a hard time relating to others. If our children know that there is a limit to how much comfort and pleasure we will provide, they can learn to cope with disappointment. As an added bonus, the mild disappointment brought about by boundary setting can also help children develop empathy – for others who have experienced discomfort and disappointment.
At the end of the day, children benefit and learn from struggling a bit. In any developmental task, from walking to talking to learning to read or drive a car, kids need to struggle – that’s how they mature and come to master new things. If we bring our children up with the expectation that that they will always be “in charge,” they will always want things to be easy; they will grow up expecting others to remove struggle and fix their disappointments for them. A parent in charge knows it is not only OK for a child to struggle with a limit or a rule, it can actually be in their best interests.
The lines between safe and unsafe, healthy and unhealthy aren’t always something we can tangibly see, especially if we’re a child with limited life experience. As parents, we need to help our kids clearly understand where the boundaries lie. Our children may not be happy or thrilled about the boundary but, when it comes down to it, our kids should not dictate our boundaries, and we should not dictate their feelings.