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DB Lampoon! Planet Earth No More

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Peter Sherwood looks forward to a brilliant new age in which drones supply our every need and a can of beer costs more than a 1996 Chrysler Concorde

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Year 2100. Alien, to a lone man in the desert: We’ve been watching your planet. Stinking piles of garbage. Earth is a disgusting mess. “It’s not Earth anymore, it’s planet Bezos.” Weird. Where are all your people? You used to be a plague. “They’re at home; orders from Our Great Leader. I escaped, but usually escapees are sentenced to 25 years in an Amazon warehouse.” What’s that? “Where all the delivery drones come from.” You mean those little helicopter things? “They are Bezos Buzzers. They deliver everything to your door.”

What’s a Bezos? “Jeff Bezos, the Kim Jong-un of commerce.” Where is he? “He’s everywhere, he owns the planet. Got so rich he bought it all. Sold Donald Trump into slavery. He tends to all our needs so we never have to leave home. Delivers all daily necessities – computer games, beer, pizza… Without Bezos humanity has no hope; brown boxes would stop arriving. We’d starve to death and there would be no more reruns of Friends.”

What happened to Zuckerberg and Gates? “They sort of disappeared… after saying Jeff Bezos was not the first man in space. But we all know that he bravely went where no filthy rich and avaricious man had gone before.” You believe that? “He has even reached out and put a deposit on Venus and Mars.”

Hey, the place is knee-deep in toxic junk. “Maybe to you. We call it MARIOS: material awaiting recycling in outer space. He named it The Great Disposal, rocketing billions of brown boxes into the outer cosmos.” Didn’t he have a list of 16 leadership qualities for management? “That was long ago after he made his first quadrillion, to make them feel important while he was earning US$100 million a minute. No more rules like that anymore, just one commandment: ‘Obey or I’ll kick your butt.’”

You bunch are a cosmic giggle. I live a billion miles away and I got here in 24 hours – via the scenic route. Well, I have to get back to my planet – if I can make it through the mass of orbiting brown boxes. Before I go, can I get a drink? “Sure, Bezos Beer costs US$1,675 a can.”

By the way, what’s your name? “jeff.” Like Jeff Bezos? “He uses uppercase; we’re only allowed lowercase. Everyone is called jeff.” And women? “jeff, it’s mandatory.

“Have you heard the poem he wrote that won the Bezos Prize for Best Poem Ever?”

‘I’m your owner, Mr B/ I invented home del-iv-ery/ sent far and wide in boxes brown/ lots of stuff to every town/ I scooped up all that I could get/ and then I bought the Internet/ I deleted Google, Musk and Branson, and Donald Trump – without his pants on/ a bPhone or a garden gnome/ I’ll send it to you – at your home!/ there’s so much more that I can do/ my motto is supreme: Screw you/

‘I replaced Mick Jagger, the one who rocks/ with streaming from a big brown box/ Adele and Elton, Neil Diamond too/ I have them in my music zoo/ and all the movies you can see ‘em/ in my perfect Bezos Museum/ classics are all mine alone/ rent them on your fine bPhone/ Mozart, Brahms or old Franz Liszt/ you’ll have to pay, cause I insist/ I do these things, O Lord above me/ so all you little folk will love me.’

Peter Sherwood has lived in DB for 20+ years. The former head of an international public relations firm, he is the author of 15 books and has written around 400 satirical columns for the South China Morning Post.

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