How to socialise if you’re shy, socially awkward or an out-and-out introvert. Take it from Ray Robertson, she should know
Like me you struggle with socialising, or you wouldn’t be reading this article. The idea of going to a party, particularly one where you will be required to meet new people, fills you with dread. Shy, or introverted people, like us, are depleted by social interaction: we are the wallflowers at a party, the walking wounded afterward. Self-protective measures must be deployed if we are to get through a get-together intact.
The first and most valuable of these is to turn down as many invitations as you can get away with. Use fake excuses or be honest, depending on who’s asking. But there are always events you can’t get out of, whether family-, friend- or office-related – for these you need to be armed with dependable opening gambits, unbeatable conversation strategies and expert verbal manoeuvres.
ENGAGE
Ask any Brit, the non-conversation of small talk is close to a ceremony or a traditional dance – and you have to play by the rules. If someone you have just met asks you how you are, the correct answer really is, “Very well thank you, and you?” Do not launch into a long and detailed story about your sick dog and his ailments, or even your leaking washing machine: a “real” answer is neither required nor sought. Keep it light, light, light. Small talk has to be “small”, or you’ll scare people.
It’s genuinely hard to make a connection with a stranger, and small talk is the grey, safe no man’s land of spending five minutes standing next to someone at a party before the person you actually know comes back from the kitchen. Any deviation from the form – “So… did you have to come far?” “How did you meet the host?” – is unacceptable.
That being said, the best way to make people feel at ease (and to stop them asking you questions, and to fill awkward pauses) is to ask them about themselves. “What brought you to Hong Kong” usually does the trick, unless, of course, you are talking to a fellow introvert. People don’t get asked direct questions about themselves very often and many seem to appreciate it – wind them up, like a wind-up doll, and they’ll talk for hours.
Another important tip is to let the person you’re talking to feel listened to. Everyone wants to feel affirmed: “It’s so nice to meet you, I understand that you’re a pilot/ teacher/ rock jock. How exciting!” No matter what follows, affirm the person, fix a look of interest on your face, and let them know you appreciate hearing what they have to say. (No need to let on that you’d much rather be rewatching One Day, on your own at home.)
QUESTION
That being said, the best way to make people feel at ease (and to stop them asking you questions, and to fill awkward pauses) is to ask them about themselves. “What brought you to Hong Kong” usually does the trick, unless, of course, you are talking to a fellow introvert. People don’t get asked direct questions about themselves very often and many seem to appreciate it – wind them up, like a wind-up doll, and they’ll talk for hours. Another important tip is to let the person you’re talking to feel listened to. Everyone wants to feel affirmed: “It’s so nice to meet you, I understand that you’re a pilot/ teacher/ rock jock. How exciting!” No matter what follows, affirm the person, fix a look of interest on your face, and let them know you appreciate hearing what they have to say. (No need to let on that you’d much rather be rewatching One Day, on your own at home.)
Open-ended questions (“If you had to come back as an animal, which one would it be, and why?”) are obviously better than closed ones (“Do you believe in reincarnation?”). Likewise, “What is your go-to order at McDonald’s?” is a more promising opening gambit than “Do you like chicken nuggets?” Don’t try too hard, this is small talk remember, and don’t make the person you’re talking to have to try too hard either. Avoid niche questions about something they likely know nothing about and have no interest in. You might get lucky with “How does your pendulum answer yes,” – you might spark up a real conversation with a fellow Wiccan. But then again you might crash and burn – only a select few share your passion for modern paganism and the occult.
Importantly too, your pre-prepared questions shouldn’t be too probing; you are not seeking intimacy, nor are you looking to open a conversation that goes beyond polite chitchat. “What’s the biggest mistake you’ve ever made?” “What’s your attachment style?” “Which of your siblings do you like least?” This conversational style should foster connection, but it feels too high stakes. Like I said, keep it light.
RESPOND
There’s no getting round it, conversation is a twoway street. It’s about you receiving information, but it’s also about giving it, so you need to talk about yourself a bit too. If you’re an introvert, there’s nothing you dislike more. Questions like “What do you do?” or “Tell me about yourself” make you want to run for the door. But if you refuse to play the game, you make everyone you meet feel uncomfortable; and you came across as arrogant and boorish, rude rather than retiring.
So how do introverts, like us, make ourselves digestible to strangers? It’s simple: we brace ourselves to give direct answers to direct questions, we smile as much as possible and, in case “sharing about ourselves” is required, we come to the party with a pre-prepared spiel. Make time one Sunday afternoon, to write your “party speech,” one that amplifies your flattering traits, reveals your best thoughts, allows you to tell a joke or two, and includes some of your favourite stories. Your spiel doesn’t have to be long: think of it as a highlights reel, a precis of personal bests that doesn’t involve swearing, or references to sex.
Bottomline: you can get through a party without speaking your mind, or revealing that much about yourself. Don’t bring up war, religion, politics, or anything that’s likely to cause mass hysteria. Stick to topics that other people feel comfortable discussing and tailor your conversation to suit the situation you’re in. Stuck with a group of parents who you know you’ll never see again, feel free to talk about the children you don’t actually have; mingling with a golfer, feign interest in her handicap. Lie to please the crowd, you won’t be the first.
And when it comes to getting the hell out? A time-bound commitment is the appropriate way to politely extricate yourself. “I have to dash off to yoga class,” that’s time-bound. “I have to go because I need to catch a plane to Greenland, population density 0.14,” that’s time-bound too.
Good luck, and be careful out there.