We want love all around us all year long, but if you can’t say it on February 14 when can you? Sharon Lesley Le Roux cuts through the Hallmark hype
During a family get-together in Cape Town last month, my nephew told me about his recent marriage proposal to his fiancée. Marinus has grown up to be a funny, kind and incredibly switched on man, and I was keen to hear how our 21st century thirtysomethings are doing proposals these days.
Marinus and Gen have been together five years, and they’ve talked about marriage, but my nephew can be a bit of a skelm – an Afrikaans term for a sneaky or sly individual (albeit good natured in his case) – and as such he’d taken some time, had planned his proposal meticulously, laying the groundwork so deftly that his woman didn’t suspect a thing. He’d chosen an interesting (and super-appropriate) venue for such an event, arranging it so Gen had ‘won’ dinner out at a ver y nice restaurant at Cape Town’s V&A Water front, with a personally guided tour around the Diamond Museum there beforehand. The two of them had poshed up for what would be a nice afternoon out, something just a little different… or so Gen thought.
Their personal tour of the museum began with them being guided through a mockup of a mid-1800s diamond mine. The guide’s talk was interesting, so much so that it took a while for Gen to notice that Marinus had fallen behind. Once she realised, she retraced her steps through the mine, rounded a corner, and found him waiting, one knee in the dirt, open ring box in hand, ready to speak his words of love.
What struck me, perhaps more than anything, was that this young man had decided, for this perhaps most important of occasions, to go with tradition. Surprisingly, it’s this generation, more than any other, who favour conventional proposals. (Tradition is the new New, who knew?) In a study of recently married people, 25 to 34-year-olds are the ones most likely to propose in a public place, to get down on one knee, to give flowers, to include family and friends. And it’s this age range of suiters who see the offering of a diamond as essential. (However, few surely choose a mockup diamond mine for the venue – nicely done, Marinus!)
Although Gen’s proposal didn’t happen on Valentine’s Day, it’s also people in this age range who, more than any other, say they would have liked it if their partners had proposed to them on Valentine’s Day. I must admit, I find that surprising. I suppose, here in my fifties, I’m fairly set in my ways and opinions, and I am certainly more than a little opposed to celebrating ‘Hallmark days’. And so, yes, I find it surprising that it’s in the first seven days of February that engagement rings generate the most internet search traffic, and that on February 14, the most marriage proposals take place. Is it simply growing older (and perhaps more cynical) that has made me feel this way? I don’t think so. I think it’s equally the case that I just don’t like being told. Told this is the day, this one special day, and you must celebrate! I mean, what if I’m just not feeling it? Do I do it anyway, because this is the day? Do I wait till next year?
Perhaps I’m not alone. Perhaps like me, you’ve grown a little jaded, dismayed at just how spendorientated these celebration days have become. In England, 25 million Valentine’s Day cards are bought each year, in America it’s 145 million. That’s hard-earned cash spent on cards alone, not even flowers or gifts, meals out, romantic weekends away. And, if that’s a lot of bucks just to tell someone they are loved, the UK and the States have nothing on Hong Kong – year after year, the 852 records the highest Valentine’s Day consumer spend in the world.
However… In all these stats and facts lies hidden in plain sight another one, the most important one of all: we want to say, “I love you”. Hearing my nephew’s story has made me think, and remember that romance is still a thing. It’s never been away, it’s still very much alive and kissing. Actually, these days, I think it might be the case that we need Valentine’s Day more than ever. As individuals, not all of us are as confident as my nephew when it comes to openly displaying our affection and saying exactly what it is we feel. Words are pesky things at the best of times, and love is undoubtedly the most difficult of all our emotions to put into words. We fear we’ll look foolish, appear sappy, our words clichéd.
And yes, we know this date on the calendar has been looted by big businesses over recent years. But such is life and opportunists there will always be. Not unlike Scrooge on Christmas morning, I am starting to think that while I wasn’t looking (hiding under my bedsheets in Cynics’ Corner), we have started to take back Valentine’s Day and are now owning it. Isn’t Valentine’s Day that one day when we collectively agree it’s perfectly alright to show our softer side, and yes, be just that little bit foolish? The day when we pause the world, and acknowledge the fact that we love another human being, and it feels… incredible. The day to say, “You matter. You are everything I need. I don’t see how life looks without you in my picture.” The day when we put love up there on its pedestal for all to see and we celebrate it, showing it the deference it’s due.
If you say this February 14 will be the one day when you choose to – and choose how to – express what you feel for your mate, allow me to recommend not spending any money at all. Don’t let the commercial side of Valentine’s Day stop you; it really is about you being in love and showing it… that matters above all else, together with the fact that life’s best things really are the ones that don’t cost anything, and what better example of that than love itself.
You could make something, even if it’s not perfect, even if it turns out very badly (remember Bridget Jones’ blue soup?). The fact that the time and effort you put in all stems from love will not go unnoticed. Or you could do something that’s just yours and your partner’s alone. Revisit the place you had your first date, or share a sandwich and a cider in your favourite spot. My husband and I love hiking. These days it seems we’re rarely in the same country let alone the same space but when we are we walk and talk, and we reconnect.
Why not write it? On a T-shirt, a steamed-up bathroom mirror, a message in a bottle? Or, sure, buy a card (it doesn’t have to be a Valentine’s card, there are some awesome no-message greeting cards out there designed by incredibly creative people). In it you can either write your own message, or perhaps you can take a little time to find a couple of lines from a favourite movie or song that perfectly put into words how you feel… and borrow them. Here are a few words I heard recently in a Westlife song that stuck with me: “Tell me it’s love, that’s all I want to hear you say, that we’re enough, and you’re always going to feel this way.”
Whether you go with tradition, or you do something so unique that no-one else has ever thought of it, this Valentine’s Day can be your day to whisper your love, or to shout it from Tiger’s Head (go on, I dare you)! At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter how you say it, it only matters that you do. Because, at the end of the day, it’s all we people in love ever want to hear.